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The Lighter Side of Life ..... Laughter!!!


Blowjob? I Think Not!!?? Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....and she's always sound asleep."

Why Live to be a 100?A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be 100. The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?" "No," he replied, "I've never done either." "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?" inquired the doctor. "No, I've never done any of those things either." "Well then," said the doctor, "why do you want to live to be 100?"
Special Delivery?  A guy goes into the Post Office to interview for a job. The interviewer asks him "Are you a veteran?"  The guy says "Why yes, in fact I served two tours in Vietnam."  "Good," says the interviewer, "That counts in your favor. Do you have any service related disabilities?"  The guy says, "In fact I am 100% disabled: during a battle an explosion removed my private parts so they declared me disabled, it doesn't affect my ability to work, though."  "Sorry to hear about the damage but I have some good news for you, I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8:00 to 4:00. Come on in about 10:00 and we'll get you started."  The guy says, "If working hours are from 8:00 to 4:00, why do you want me to come at 10:00?"  "Well, here at the post office we don't do anything but sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours. Don't need you here for that!" 
Oh Sister Mary! Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of  Our Lady of Perpetual Motion parochial school in an  advanced state of agitation. Father!" she cried, "Just WAIT until you hear this!" The priest led the sister to a chair, and said,  "Now just calm down and tell me what has you so  excited." "Well, Father," the nun began, "I was just walking  down the hall to the chapel and I heard some of the  older boys wagering money!"
"A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest.
"But that's not what has me so excited, Father."  replied the nun, "It was WHAT they were wagering ON!  They had wagered on a contest to see who could  urinate the highest on the wall!!" "What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the priest,  "What did you do?"
"Well, I hit the CEILING, Father."
"Really?" said the Father, "How much did you win?" 
Pope Rage! So the Pope arrives at JFK and a driver in a bad suit and a clip-on tie, holding a hand-lettered sign that says POPE! The Pope meets him at baggage claim. After getting all his luggage loaded in the limo, he driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.  "Hey, Mr. Pope... why have you not seated yourself in my excellent limo?"  "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "They never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive." "That is very much against the rules!" "There might be something extra in it for you." said the Pope. So, the driver got in the back as the Pope got behind the wheel and accelerated the limo to 105 mph. "Pope, stop driving so fast" the river yelled. Soon they heard a siren. 
The Pope pulled over and rolled down the window as the patrolman approached, but the cop took one look at him, went back to his motorcycle, and got on the radio.  "I need to talk to the Chief." he said to dispatch.  When the Chief got on the radio, the cop told him that he'd stopped a limo going a hundred and five.  "So lock him up." said the Chief.  "I think the guy's a big shot, said the cop.  "All the more reason."  "No, I mean really a big shot, said the cop.  "What'd ya got there, the Mayor?"  "Bigger."  "Governor?"  "Bigger."  "Well." said the chief, "Who is it?"  "I don't know, said the cop, "But he's got the Pope driving for him."
Is that Bacardi? An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road. The Rabbi says, "Oy vey! What a wreck!" The priest asks him, "Are you all right, Rabbi?" The Rabbi responds, "Just a little shaken." The priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says, "Here, drink some of this, it will calm your nerves." The Rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and says, "Well, what are we going to tell the police?" "Well," the priest says, "I don't know what you’re going to be tellin' them. But I'll be tellin' them I wasn't the one drinkin'." ... 
Thank you for the Food? A missionary was walking in Africa when he heard a lion behind him. The missionary prayed "Oh Lord, grant in Thy goodness that the lion walking behind me is a good Christian lion." Silence follows. Then the missionary heard the lion praying: "Oh Lord, we thank Thee for the food which we are about to receive." 
Read it in the Papers! A lion is drinking from a puddle and his tail is up. A gorilla walks up behind him, seizes the opportunity, and slips the lion a Length. The gorilla takes off, and the lion takes off after him. The gorilla runs into a hunter's camp, jumps into a tent, puts on a safari outfit, a pith helmet, grabs a copy of The Johannesburg Times, sits down, and starts to read. The lion runs into the camp, sticks his head into the tent, and roars, "Arrgg! Did a gorilla come through here?" The gorilla says, "You mean the one that fucked the lion in the ass?" The lion says, "You mean it's in the paper already?"
I have sinned! A couple went to mass and took confession.  The husband went into the confessional and said "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The father asked him the nature of this, to which he replied, "While my wife was bending over the freezer I had lustful thoughts and had my way with her." The Priest tried explaining that having sex with your own wife was not a sin and forgiveness was not needed. Still, the man insisted that he felt guilty. The priest told him to say three Hail Mary's and be on his way. Next, the wife went into the confessional and said that while she was leaning over the freezer her husband had his way with her. The priest asked her how long she had been married. She replied it was three years now. The priest tried to explain to her that it was quite proper for married people to have sex and that there was nothing to be guilty about. Still, the woman insisted that she felt guilty so the priest told her to say three Hail Mary's and think no more about it. As she turned to leave, the woman asked the priest if she and her husband would be banned from the church. "Banned from the church?! Whatever gave you that idea?' the priest queried. "Well," she said, "they banned us from the supermarket!" 
Gauddam Fish! One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge, strange looking fish.  A man was walking by and said, "WOW!! What a nice Gauddam Fish!"  The sister said, "Sir, you shouldn't use God's name in vain."  The man said, "But that's the SPECIES of the fish --- a Gauddam Fish."  The sister said, "Oh, ok."  The Sister took the fish back home and said, "Mother Superior, look at the Gauddam Fish I caught."  Shocked, the Mother Superior said, "Sister, you know better than that."  The nun said, "That's the species of it --- a Gauddam Fish."  So the Mother Superior said, "Well, give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll clean it."  While she was cleaning the fish, Monsignor walked in and Mother Superior said, "Monsignor, look at the Gauddam Fish that the sister caught."  Nearly fainting, Monsignor said, "Mother Superior, you shouldn"t talk like that!"  Mother Superior said, "But that's the species of it --- a Gauddam Fish."  Monsignor said, "Well give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll cook it."  That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said, "Wow, what a nice fish." In reply, the sister said, "Thank-you, I caught the Gauddam Fish."  " And Mother Superior said, "I cleaned the Gauddam Fish."  The Monsignor said, "I cooked the Gauddam Fish."  The priest looked around and smiled, and said... "I LIKE THIS FUCKING PLACE ALREADY!" 
That's a Hard One! There was once three nuns which whom were making there way to heaven, but before they could actually enter heaven's gate, they had to answer one question. The first nun was asked, who was the man who built the ark? she replied, "Noah!" correct said the voice you may go to heaven. The second nun was asked who was the mother of Jesus? "Mary" she said, right you may go to heaven. The third nun was asked, what were the first words that Eve said to Adam? "My that's a hard one!" said the third nun, correct said the voice you may go to heaven also
One Leg Won't Catch a Sheep! A tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car and set off for the outback.On his way he saw a bloke having sex with a sheep. Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight Scotch. Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a bloke with one leg masturbating furiously at the bar. "For crying out load!" the bloke cried, "what the hell's going on here? I've been here one hour and I've seen a bloke shagging a sheep, and now some bloke's wanking himself off in the bar!" "Fair dinkum, mate," the bartender told him, "you can't expect a man with only one leg to catch a sheep"
The Perfect Pet! A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The shop owner suggests a faithful dog. 

The man replies, "Come on, a dog?" The owner says, "How about a cat?" The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"

The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!" 

The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede." He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen." Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate! He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room." Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned. The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!" 

Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper." 

The centipede walks out the door. 
   10 minutes later...no centipede. 
   20 minutes later... no centipede. 
   30 minutes later...no centipede. 

By this point the man is wondering what's going on. So he goes to the front door, opens it... and there's the centipede sitting right outside. The man says, "Hey!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!" 

The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just putting on my fucking shoes!"

One for the Goat! "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built.I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands.I piled it for months.But do they call me McGreggor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.." "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labor, for eight days. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..." 

"Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..."  Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention. 

"But ya fuck one goat . . . "

The Parrot, The Mailman and The Wife! This guy goes to a pet shop in search of a pet since he’s not getting along with his wife. After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. No feet or legs. The guy says out loud,  "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" "I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot." "Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me." "I understood every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird." "Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this. How do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well, I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it cause of my feathers."

"Wow, you really can understand and answer, can't you?" "Of course. Just buy me. Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20 just make an offer." The guy offers $20 dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by then one day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, Pssst, I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the mailman."

"What?" says the guy. "Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth." "What happened then?" asks the guy. "Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot. 

"Oh No!" the guy says. "Then what?" "Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to look at her body, starting with her breasts and slowly going down and down..." The parrot pauses for a long time. "What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.

"Well, I don't know," says the parrot, "You see my dick got hard I fell off my perch."

Where's the Fucking Ship!? A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show.
"Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days. After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the fucking boat?"
NO FUCK, NO RIDE!  Theres a guy and his parrot driving a chicken truck. The guy sees a woman by the road that needs a lift. he offers to give her a lift if she fucks him. the woman refuses so the man says "No fuck, no ride." The man drives off and his parrot starts repeating over and over again "No fuck; no ride." the man trows the parrot in the back of the truck with the chickens. After awhile the man gets pulled over by a policemen. the man says "whats the matter officer?" And the policemen says "You've got a parrot on the back of your truck throwing chickens off and screaming NO FUCK, NO RIDE" 
De Bird! De Bird! A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway." "Now," she said, "if only I could find my parakeet. " 
One Snake to Another! Two snakes were slithering through a field. One snake turned to the other and asked, " Do you suppose we are poisonous?" 
" I don't know", replied the other, "Why?" "Well", said the first, "I just bit my lip"
An Elephant Never Forgets! A guy was let go from the circus. So he wondered what he was going to do now. The only thing he had left was his elephant whom he trained. So he said to himself. In all the years in the Circus he'd NEVER seen an elephant lift all four legs off the ground at once. 

So he advertised:

"$1 to try or win $1000 if you can make the elephant 
lift 4 legs off the ground at once. "
People came from near and far and nobody could win. Charles was raking the money and had made about $700 when one day a fellow arrived in a red convertible. He asked about the rules of the contest and paid his money. He walked back to the car, took out a baseball bat, walked to the front of the elephant, looked him in the eye long and hard. Then he walked around the back of the elephant, took a mighty swing and struck the animal in the testicles.

The elephant jumped into the air, the guy won the $1000.

Charles was broke again. Then he remembered his days at the Circus he had never seen an elephant move his head side to side. Up and down, round and round but NEVER side to side. Near and far he advertised:
 

$1 to try, win $1000 if you can make the elephant move his head side to side. 
People came from near and far to try nobody could make the elephant move his head side to side. One day a fellow arrived in a red convertible. He asked the rules and walked to his car. He returned with a baseball bat, walked to the front of the elephant and looked the animal in the eye long and hard and said, "You remember me, don't you?". The elephant nodded. "You remember what I did to you?" The elephant nodded. "You remember the PAIN?" The elephant nodded. "Do you want me to do it again?"
LOST DOG 

   3 legs, blind in one eye. missing right ear. 
   Tail broken, recently castrated....... 
   Answers to the name of "LUCKY"!!!!!!

A Lost Receipt! "Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice. "There will be NO sex on this trip. Not even the wetting of the tips of your penises. All of you males, take off your peckers and hand it to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get you peckers back." After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited. "Quick!" he said. "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!" 

Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders and looked out the window. "Sorry, no land yet." "Shit!" and out went Mr. Rabbit. This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. "What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land. Why are you acting so excited every day?" 

Mr. Rabbit said, "Look, Look! I’VE GOT THE DONKEY'S RECEIPT!!"

Where's Your Mother! A salesman was traveling through the countryside, selling insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. "Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it." The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you."

The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake. Back to the house went the farmer.  The next morning, the farmer and his whole family tropped out to the cornfield. Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck! Pale ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him. The farmer was perplexed. "son," he said, "now you don't have a bite on you, but you look like hell! What the devil happened?"
The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, "For crying out loud, Mister, doesn't that calf have a mother?!!"

Government Dog! Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second was an Accountant, the third was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Worker. To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. 'T-Square, do your stuff.' T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

The Accountant said his dog could do better, and said, 'Slide Rule, do your stuff.' Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. 

The Chemist said his dog could do better still, so he called his dog and said, 'Measure, do your stuff.' Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was great.

The Government Worker called to his dog and said, 'Coffee Break, do your stuff!' Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home on sick leave.

Nikes! Two guys were walking through the jungle. All of a sudden, a tiger appears from a distance, running towards them. One of the guys takes out a pair of 'Nikes' from his bag and starts to put them on. The other guy with a surprised look on his face exclaims, 'Do you think you will run faster than the tiger with those?' His friend replies: 'I don't have to out run it, I just have to run faster than you.'
Feeling Froggy! A lonely woman is looking for an unusual pet. The pet store owner brings her a frog and says, "This frog has been trained to perform cunnilingus. Just five-hundred bucks." The woman buys the frog, takes it home, lies on the floor with her legs open. The frog does nothing. The woman angrily returns to the pet store and complains about the frog's non-performance. "Show me what you did," says the pet store owner. So the woman lies on the floor with her legs open. The frog just sits there. The pet store owner moves over to the woman, puts his face between her legs, and yells to the frog, "All right, you little bastard, this is the last time I'm showing you!" 
What Balls..Uh Time Is It? These guys are walkin and they see this guy sitting by his camel so this dude goes up and asks what time it is.. the guy starts playing with the camels balls and says 'quarter after 12' the guy is like all amazed at how the hell he did that.. so he runs up to the other guys and hes like 'Dood this guy told me the time by fondling his camel's balls.. you gotta see this!!!' so they all go back there and a diff. dood asks him what time it is.. again the guy starts playing with his camel's balls and says '20 after 12' and the dood who asked the time the first time was like 'God damnit dood how do you do that?' so hes like 'come here' so the dood walks over there and the guy is like 'Take the camels balls into your hand and fondle them.. rub them around.. play with them good' so he does that and he's like 'ok..now what?' and the guy goes 'See that clock over there?'
Pay for a Prostitute! Back in the days of the glorious British Empire, a young officer arrived at his first posting. His new second-in-command is showing him around when they come across a decrepit, flea-ridden old camel. 'What's this blooming' camel for?' asked the officer? 'Well, sir, you know the troops, stuck out here in the middle of the desert, have certain.. er.. manly needs, from time to time. And when they need to do something about them, they use old Deirdre the camel here'. The officer, rather embarrassed, says nothing. A few months go by, and the new officer is beginning to feel those 'manly needs' himself. 'I feel I may.. um.. require the services of Deirdre the camel tonight", he says to his second.
Tell me, when the men..um.. use her, do they have her bathed first?' 'Yes, sir'. 'Well then, see to it that she is bathed'. 'They also have her flea-powdered, first, sir'. 'Very good, see that that is done, too. And I couldn't help but notice that she is a rather tall animal. Tell me, do the men use a ladder when they, um.. mount her?' 'Yes sir, always'. 'Very well, see to it that a ladder is provided'. 'Very good sir. She'll be prepared for you within the hour.' After an hour, the officer is escorted to the side of the fort, where Deidre waits, powdered, washed and with a ladder by her side. The officer moves the ladder to the back of the animal, climbs it, drops his pants and begins furiously ramming into the backside of the animal. 
He motions to his second-in-command: 'Tell me, is this how the men do it?' 'Well, no sir, they normally ride the camel to the nearest town and pay for a prostitute, sir'.
Nacho Cheese! Three mouse stole some cheese. They started comparing what kinda cheese they got. The first one said "I got mozzarella cheese from the pizza shop." 

The second one said I got cheddar cheese." They asked "How do you know it is cheddar cheese?" "It says so right on the paper." 

The third mouse said "I went to a home and I got nacho cheese." 

They asked "how do you now it's nacho cheese? When I got the cheese a Black man started chasing me and he was yelling "That's notch yo' cheese, That's notch yo' cheese!"

Horse's Ass? An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a state trooper. "You were speeding," the cop said. "I'm going to have to give you a ticket." "Yep," the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies. "These flies sure are terrible," the trooper complained. 

"Yep," the farmer said. "Them are circle flies."

"What's a circle fly?" "Them flies that circle a horse's tail," answered the farmer. "Them are circle flies." "You wouldn't be calling me a horse's ass, would you?" the trooper angrily asked. "Nope, I didn't" the farmer replied. "But you just can't fool them flies." 

Sex. The Perfect Diet!  Sex is the most practical way of losing weight. Look how many calories you can burn: 
 
   TAKING OFF THE CLOTHES 
   With her agreement...............................12 cal 
   Without her agreement..........................187 cal 

   TAKING OFF THE BRA 
   With both hands..................................8 cal 
   With one hand...................................12 cal 
   With one hand being slapped................37 cal 
   With the mouth..................................85 cal 

   PUTTING ON THE CONDOM 
   With erection....................................6 cal 
   Without erection...............................315 cal 

   PRELIMINARIES 
   Trying to find the clitoris......................8 cal 
   Trying to find G spot...........................92 cal 
   Without caring at all............................0 cal 

   WHEN DOING IT 
   Holding her up..................................12 cal 
   Just on the floor................................8 cal

POSITIONS 
   daddy-mummy.....................................12 cal 
   69 lying down........................................8 cal
   69 standing up.................................112 cal 
   Trolley........................................216 cal 
   Italian chandelier.............................912 cal 
 

  HAVING AN ORGASM 
   Real...........................................112 cal 
   Fake...........................................315 cal 

 POST ORGASM 
   Staying in bed..................................18 cal 
   Jumping off the bed.............................36 cal 
   Explaining why she jumped off the bed..........816 cal 

 GETTING THE SECOND ERECTION 
   Between 16 and 19 years of age..................12 cal 
   from 20 to 29...................................36 cal 
   from 30 to 39..................................108 cal 
   from 40 to 49..................................324 cal
   from 50 to 59..................................972 cal 
   over 60.......................................2916 cal 

   PUTTING ON THE CLOTHES 
   Quietly.........................................32 cal 
   Being in a hurry................................98 cal 
   With her husband opening the door.............1218 cal 

Too Far In! A man and his girlfriend are driving down the highway. The man asks "If I drive 100 mph will you take off your clothes?" and she agrees. So the man drives 100 mph and his girlfriend strips. The man is so busy looking at his girlfriend that he crashes into a tree. The car flipped over trapping the man and all of his girlfriend's clothes. 

All that is free of the car is the man's girlfriend and one of his shoes. The man yells, "You have to go get help. Go to that gas station over there." His girlfriend says, "Are you kidding me? I'm naked." "Well" replies the man "Take my shoe over there cover up your pussy and go get help." 

So the woman covers her pussy with the shoe and goes to the gas station. She says to an attendant. "You have to help me. My boyfriend's trapped"

"I'm sorry ma'am" the attendant replies, "he's too far in." 

That's my board! These two guys had just gotten divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. So they moved to Alaska where they could never look at a woman again. They told the guy in a trader's store to "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year." The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole. 

The guys asked "What's that board for?" The trader said, "Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this." They said, "No way! We've sworn off women for life!" The trader said, "Well. take the boards with you, and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year. "Okay," they said and left. The next year this guy came into the trader's store and said "Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year." The trader said "Weren't you in here last year with a partner?" 

"Yeah" said the guy. "Where is he?" asked the trader. "I killed him" said the guy. Shocked, the trader asks "Why?" To which the guy replies, "I caught him in bed with my board!"

Five, Six, YOU, Eight, Nine! A man and a woman had been married some time when the woman began to question her husband. "I know you've been with a lot of woman before. How many were there?" The husband replied, "Look, I don't want to upset you, there were many. Let's just leave it alone." The wife continued to beg and plead. Finally, the husband gave in. "Let's see." he said "There was one, two, three, four, five, six, YOU, eight, nine..."
Eat Me... Little Red Riding Hood! Little red riding hood was walking through the dark emerald green forest to visit her sick grandmother when the big bad wolf jumped out from behind the trees and behind her..."I'm gonna throw you down and fuck you to death!" growled the wolf. Riding hood responded by pointing a loaded .357 magnum to the wolf's face and said "No you won't you sonofabitch!"  "You gonna eat me just like the book said
Suck 'em Dry. A teenage girl was a prositute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided the house where she worked and made all the hookers line up on the sidewalk out front.  Sure enough, Grandma walked by and noticed her grand daughter standing there. "What are you lining up for dear?" she asked. "I'm just waiting here in line because I heard that someone was passing out oranges," the granddaughter told Grandma.

"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she said as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes.  When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old...how do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh it's quite easy sonny...I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"

Moses! George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. G.W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?" 

The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling. George positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?" 

The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?" The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "YES I AM!" 

George W. asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, "You know the last time I spoke to a Bush, I spend forty years in the desert!"

There's No Rush Honey!  An airline pilot finishes talking to the passengers just after his plane takes off, and he forgets to turn off the intercom. A moment later he turns to the co-pilot and says "I think I'll go take a shit and then try and screw that new stewardess." The stewardess hearing this runs up the isle toward the cockpit to tell the pilot the intercom is still on. She trips on the rug and falls flat on her ass.
She looks up to see a little old lady looking down at her. The old lady says "There's no rush honey, he said he had to take a shit first."
An Old Friend.  A rastafarian was travelling from the country and he stopped at an old friend's house. He knocks on the door and the friend asked "A who dat?" The rastafarian said, "I and I, Jah Rastafari, King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Conquering Lion of the Tribe of Judah, Son of Selassie I." The friend inside got scared and started trembling like a leaf said you know what is me one deh yah an mi nah open de door fi so much ah oonu!

Cherry Vanilla Ice Cream.  Little Johnny rushes home from school.  He invades the fridge and is scooping out some  cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother  enters the kitchen.  She says, "Put that   away, Little Johnny.  You can't have ice cream now.  It's too close to supper time.  Go outside and play. " Little Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with. "Trying to placate him, she says, "OK.  I'll play with you.  What do you want to play?"  "I wanna play 'Mommy and Daddy,'" Little Johnny whines in reply.
Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she  says, "Fine, I'll play.  What do I do?" Little Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down as if you're taking a nap." Figuring that she can easily control the situation, Mom goes upstairs. Little Johnny, acting a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet.  He puts on his fathers old fishing hat.  As he  starts up the stairs, he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on   the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his  mouth.  At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.
His mother raises her head and asks, "What do I do now?"  In a gruff manner, Little Johnny says, "Get your ass downstairs and  get that kid some ice cream!"

Three Convicts. Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" 
The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail". Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games." The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?" 
The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked - "What can you do with those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said - "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."

Little Johnny's Mortgage.  One Day Little Johnny Went to His Father and Asked Him If He Could Buy Him a $200 Bicycle for His Birthday.  Johnny's Father Said Johnny, We Have a $80,000 Mortgage on the House & You Want Me to Buy You a Bicycle?  Wait until  Christmas.  Christmas Came Around, and Johnny Asked Again.  The Father Replied, Ah, well, the Mortgage Is Still Extremely High, Sorry about That Ask Me Again Some Other Time.  Well, about 2 Days Later, the Boy Was Seen Walking out of the House with All His Belongings in a Suitcase.  The Father Felt Sorry for Him, and Asked Why He Was Leaving.  the Boy Said, Yesterday I Was Walking past Your Room, and I Heard You Say That You Were Pulling Out, and Mommy Said That  You Should Wait Because She Was Coming Too, and I'll Be Damned If I Get Stuck with That $80,000 Mortgage! 

Magic Sandals. A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the  marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop.  From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani
accent  say, "You foreigners!  Come in! Come indo my humble shop."  So the married couple walked in.  The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what  the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Pakistani man replied, "Just try dem on, Saiheeb."
Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally
conceded to try them on.  As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years - raw sexual power. In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down the man's pants and his own, and grabbed firm hold of the Pakistani's thighs. The Pakistani then began screaming,
"YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET! YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"
Yardie Don't Play. At the 1997 World Women's Conference the first speaker from England stood up: "At last years' conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb." The crowd cheered.

The second speaker from America stood up: "After last years' conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well." The crowd cheered. The third speaker from Jamaica stood up: "After last years' conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his cooking, cleaning or shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."


Take  Your Pick. An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18. When they got into bed the night after the wedding, he held up three fingers. "Oh honey", said the young nymph, "Does that mean we're going to do it three times?" "No", said the old man, "It means you can take your pick." 

Honey I'm Home.   A Woman rushed Home to Tell Her Husband.  "She Said,  "Honey, Guess What the Doctor Said about My Bust Line?" Her Husband Replied, "I Don't Know What Did He Say?" She Told Him, He Said I Had the Bust Line of a 21 Year Old. The Husband Said, "Well, Really????What Did He Say about Your 55 Year Old Ass????" His Wife Answered, "Oh Well, I Didn't Tell Him about You!!"

Hot Dog.  Two Scottish Nuns Have Just Arrived in USA by Boat and One Says to the  Other, "I Hear That the People of this Country Actually Eat Dogs. "Odd," Her Companion Replies, "But If We Shall Live in America, We  Might as Well Do as the Americans Do."  Nodding Emphatically, the  Mother Superior Points to a Hot Dog Vendor and They Both Walk Towards  the Cart.  "Two Dogs, Please," Says One.  The Vendor Is Only Too Pleased to  Oblige and He Wraps Both Hot Dogs in Foil and Hands Them over the  Counter.  Excited, the Nuns Hurry over to a Bench and Begin to Unwrap  Their ‘Dogs.’  The Mother Superior Is First to Open Hers.  She Begins to Blush and  Then, Staring at it for a Moment, Leans over to the Other Nun and  Whispers Cautiously, "What Part Did You Get?

Doctor's Visit.  A Man Walked into a Crowded Doctor’s Office. As He Approached the  Desk, the Receptionist Asked, "Yes Sir, May We Help You?"  "There’s Something Wrong with My Dick," He Replied.  The Receptionist Became Aggravated and Said, "You Shouldn’t Come into  a Crowded Office and Say Things like That."  "Why Not? You Asked Me What Was Wrong and I Told You." He Said.  "We Do Not Use Language like That Here," She Said.  "Please Go Outside  and Come Back in and Say That There’s Something Wrong with Your ‘Ear’  or Whatever."  The Man Walked Out, Waited Several Minutes and Reentered.  The  Receptionist Smiled Smugly and Asked, "Yes?"  "There’s Something Wrong with My ‘Ear’," He Stated.  The Receptionist  Nodded Approvingly. "And What Is Wrong with Your Ear, Sir?"  "I Can’t Piss out of It." the Man Replied.

The Octopus.  A Guy Walks into a Bar with an Octopus.  He Sits the Octopus down on a  Stool and Tells Everyone in the Bar That this Is a Very Talented  Octopus.  He Can Play Any Musical Instrument in the World.  He Hears Everyone in  the Crowd Laughing at Him, Calling Him an Idiot, Etc.  So  He Says  That He Will Wager $50 to Anyone Who Has an Instrument That the  Octopus Can’t Play.  A Guy Walks up with a Guitar and Sits it Beside  the Octopus.  The Octopus Starts Playing Better than Jimi Hendrix,  Just Rippin’ it Up.  So the Man Pays His $50.  Another Guy Walks up with a Trumpet.  The Octopus Plays the Trumpet  Better than Dizzie Gillespie.  So the Man Pays His $50.  A Third Guy Walks up with Bagpipes.  He Sits Them down and the Octopus  Fumbles with it for a Minute and Sits it down with a Confused Look. "Ha!" the Man Says.  "Can’t You Play It?"  The Octopus Looks up at the Man and Says, "Play It?  I’m Going to Fuck  it as Soon as I Figure out How to Get its Pajamas Off."

Bike Me. A Boy Comes Home from School and Hears Strange Moans Coming from His Mothers Bedroom, He Goes to Her Room and Finds Her Masturbating.. Moaning "I Need a Man.. Ohhh..I Need a Man". The next Day, it Happens Again... He Goes to Her Bedroom Door and She's Maturbating, Crying Out.."I Need a Man... I Need a Man! "..... this Happens Several More Times, Then One Day the Boy Comes Home to Find His Mother in Bed with a Man... He Runs to His Room and Starts Masturbating.. Crying out  "I Need a Bike.. I Need a Bike".

Prepare for Surgery.  Before the Surgery a Beautiful Young Woman Went into the Hospital for a Minor Operation. On the Day of Her Operation, the Nurses Prepared Her and Wheeled Her down to the Operating Theater, and Left Her Lying Outside on a Trolley for a Few Minutes. While She Was Lying There, a Young Man in a White Coat Came Along, Lifted Her Gown Up, and Began to Examine Her Naked Body. He Then Went Away and Consulted with Another Colleague in a White Coat. They Both Returned and Examined Her Again. A Third Colleague Was Called Over, and He Too Began to Examine Her. By this Time, the Young Lady Was Becoming Quite Frustrated at the Long Wait for Her Operation, and Inquired from the White Coated Individuals: "Look, I Don't Mind You Examining Me, but When Is this Bloody Operation Going to Start?" "We Haven't Got a Clue, Luv," Came the Reply, "We're Just the Painters."

Gimme my Gold. A Guy Go to a Urinal to Piss. As He Starts Pissing He Looks over at the Guy next to Him, the Guys Is 3 Feet Tall and Has a 12 inch Dick. The Guy Says Damn, Yer Huge! The Midget Says, Well, I'm a Leprachaun. We're All like This. The Guy Say's Do Ya Think I Could Get One That Big. The Leprachaun Says Sure but You'll Have to Let Me Fuck You in the Ass First. The Guy Thinks Well, It'll Be Sore and Uncomfortable for a Few Days but What the Hell a 12 Inch Dick Is Worth It. The Leprachaun Starts Fucking Him and after about 5 Minutes the Leprachaun Asks How Old Are You Anyway? The Guy Says 23. The Leprachaun Says " 23 Eh, and You Still Believe in Leprechauns! Heheheheeheh"

Office Visit.  A Couple, Both Age 67, Went to a Sex Therapists Office. The Doctor Asked, "What Can I Do for You?" The Man Said, "Will You Watch Us Have Sexual Intercourse?" The Doctor Looked Puzzled, but Agreed. When the Couple Finished, the Doctor Said, "There's Nothing Wrong with the Way You Have Intercourse," and Charged Them $32. This Happened Several Weeks in a Row. The Couple Would Make an Appointment, Have Intercourse with No Problems, Pay the Doctor, Then Leave. Finally the Doctor Asked, "Just Exactly What Are You Trying to Find Out?" The Old Man Said, "We're Not Trying to Find out Anything. She's Married and We Can't Go to Her House: I'm Married and We Can't Go to My House. The Holiday Inn Charges $60. The Hilton Charges $78. We Do it Here for $32 and I Get $28 Back from Medicare.

Guinness Anyone? There were these three guys. They all worked together at a factory. Everyday they notice that their boss leaves work a little early. So one day they meet together and say that today when the boss leaves, they'll all leave early too. The boss left and so did they. The first guy goes home and goes to rest so he can get an early start. The second guy goes home and cooks dinner. The third guy goes home and walks to his bedroom. He opens the door slowly and sees his wife in bed with his boss so he shuts the door and leaves. The next day the first and second guys are talking and plan to go home early again. They ask the third guy if he wants to leave early again and he says, "No." They ask him why not and he said, "Because yesterday I almost got caught!" An Irishman Walks into a Bar in Dublin, Orders Three Pints of Guinness and Sits in the Back of the Room, Drinking a Sip out of Each on in Turn. When He Finished Them, He Comes Back into to the Bar and Orders Three More. The Bartender Asks Him, "You Know, a Pint Goes Flat after I Draw It; it Would Taste Better If You Bought One at a Time." The Irishman Replies, "Well, You See, I Have Two Brothers. One Is in America, the Other in Australia, and I'm Here in Dublin. When We All Left Home, We Promised That We'd Drink this Way to Remember the Days We All Drank Together." The Bartender Admits That this Is a Nice Custom, and Leaves it There. The Irishman Becomes a Regular in the Bar and Always Drinks the Same Way: He Orders Three Pints and Drinks Them in Turn. One Day, He Comes in and Orders Two Pints. All the Other Regulars in the Bar Notice and Fall Silent thinking one brother had died. When He Comes Back to the Bar for the Second Round, the Bartender Says, "I Don't Want to Intrude on Your Grief, but I Wanted to Offer My Condolences on Your Great Loss." The Irishman Looks Confused for a Moment, Then a Lights Dawns in His Eye and He Laughs. "Oh, No," He Says, "Everyone Is Fine. I've Just Quit Drinking!"

Perhaps One of the Most Interesting and Colorful Words in the English Language Today Is the Word "FUCK". It Is the Magical Word Which, Just by its Sound Can Describe Pain, Pleasure, Love, and Hate.
In Language , "Fuck" Falls into Many Grammatical Categories.
It Can Be Used as a Verb Both Transitive (John Fucked Mary) and Intransitive (Mary Was Fucked by John).
It Can Be an Action Verb (John Really Gives a Fuck), a Passive Verb (Mary Really Doesn't Give a Fuck), and Adverb (Mary Is Fucking Interested in John), or as a Noun (Mary Is a Terrific Fuck).
It Can Also Be Used as an Interjection (Fuck! I'm Late for My Date With Mary). It Can Even Be Used as a Conjunction (Mary Is Easy, Fuck She's Also Stupid).
As You Can See There Are Very Words with the Overall Versatility of The Word Fuck.
Aside from its Sexual Connotations, this Word Can Be Used to Describe Many Situations:

 1. Greetings........."How the Fuck Are Ya?"
 2. Fraud..............."I Got Fucked by the Car Dealer."
 3. Resignation......."Oh, Fuck It!"
 4. Trouble............."I Guess I'm Fucked Now."
 5. Aggression........."Fuck You!"
 6. Disgust................"Fuck Me."
 7. Confusion............." What the Fuck....?"
 8. Displeasure............"Fucking Shit Man..."
 9. Lost........................"Where the Fuck Are We?"
 10.disbelief.............."Unfucking believable!!"
 11.retaliation............."Up Your Fucking Ass!"
 12.apathy................."Who Really Gives a Fuck?"
 13.suspicion............."Who the Fuck Are You?" 
 14.directions.............."Fuck Off."

It Can Be Maternal........"Motherfucker!!" 
It Can Be Used to Tell Time......." It's Four Fucking Twenty!"
It Can Be Used as an Anatomical Description............."He's a Fucking Asshole."
Lastly, it Has Been Used by Many Notable People Throughout History:
"What the Fuck Was That?"   Mayor of Hiroshima 
"That's Not a Real Fucking Gun."  John Lennon
"Where the Fuck Is All this Water Coming From?" Captain of the Titanic
"Who the Fuck Is Gonna Find Out?" Richard Nixon
"Heads Are Gonna Fucking Roll." Anne Boleyn
"That's Fucking Hot." Joan of Arc 
"Any Fucking Idiot Could Answer That."  Albert Einstein
"It Does So Fucking Look like Her!" Picasso
"You Want What on the Fucking Ceiling?" Michaelangelo
"Fuck a Duck." Walt Disney
"Houston We Have a Biiiiig Fucking Problem." The Crew of Apollo 13


Magic Sandals. A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You foreigners! Come in! Come into my humble shop." So the married couple walked in.

 The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Pakistani man replied, "Just try dem on, Saiheeb."

Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally
conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years - raw sexual power.

In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down the man's pants and his own, and grabbed firm hold of the Pakistani's thighs.

The Pakistani then began screaming,

"YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET! YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"


My Mother Better than Yours. Two kids were having an argument about whose father could beat up whose father. One boy said, "My father is better than your father." The other kid said, "Well, my mother is better than your mother." The first boy stopped and said, "I guess you're right. My fathers says the same thing." 

CHINESE 101

CHINESE PHRASE         ENGLISH TRANSLATION 

Ai Bang Mai Ne    I bumped into the coffee table 
Ar U Wan Tu        A gay liberation greeting 
Chin Tu Fat           You need a face lift 
Dum Gai                A stupid person 
Gun Pao Der          An ancient Chinese invention 
Hu Flung Dung       Which one of you fertilized the field? 
Hu Yu Hai Ding      We have reason to believe you are
                                  harboring a fugutive 
Jan Ne Ka Sun       A former late night talk show host 
Kum Hia                 Approach me 
Lao Ze Sho             Gilligan's Island 
Lao Zi                     Not very good 
Lin Ching                An illegal execution 
Moon Lan Ding      A great achievement of the American 
                                    space  program 
Ne Ahn                  A lighting fixture used in advertising signs 
Shai Gai                 A bashful person 
Tai Ne Bae Be       A premature infant 
Tai Ne Po Ne        A small horse 
Ten Ding Ba           Serving drinks to people 
Wan Bum Lung      A person with T.B. 
Yu Mai Te Tan       Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you
Wa Shing Kah        Cleaning an automobile 
Wa Shing Tan        The first President
Wai So Dim            Are you trying to save electricity? 
Wai U Shao Ting     There is no reason to raise your voice 


ITALIAN MAMA.  A young Italian couple just got married. The wife brings the husband home to meet the Mother. The husband had settled in, the wife and her Mother started to make a meal. They heard three taps on the ceiling. The girl looks at her mother and said what was that?. The Mother said your Husband wants you to go upstairs and take care of him. When the girl got upstairs the Husband was taking off his shirt. A couple of minutes later she heard three more taps on the ceiling. She goes back upstairs and this time, her husband is taking off his pants. So she runs downstairs to her mother and asked "What do I do?" "He's a taking off his a pants." The Mother gives her the same advice.

Twenty minutes go by and they hear three more taps on the ceilling. The young girl runs back upstairs and this time the
husband is sitting at the end of the bed taking off his socks and on one of his feet she notices that he only has two and a half toes. She runs back down stairs. She yells "MAMA MAMA What do I do? He only has a foot and a half."

The Mother replies "You stay here and I'll go upstairs."


BAD DOG! Bartender looks down to the end of the bar and sees a guy with his head down who hasn't touched his drink for over a half an hour. He heads over to talk to him. 
Bartender: "Hey pal, is something wrong?" 
The Guy: "Yeah,... I'm really depressed"
Bartender: "Why, what's the matter?" 
The Guy: "I caught my wife in bed with my best friend" 
Bartender: "Wow, that's horrible. What did you do?" 
The Guy: "I kicked her out of the house, sent her packing, it's over"
Bartender: "That's pretty drastic, what did you do to your best friend?" 
The Guy: "I sat him down...tied him up...looked him straight in the eye...and said..." "Bad Dog! Bad Dog!"
Tell Me What You Want.  One day dis rich man was having a party at him yard. Him was loaded, and he had everything; money, a big house pon di hills, drugs, girls, cars, planes; anything him wanted. Dis man was also a little eccentric, and he had filled his pool with crocodiles. Him get up pon di lifegard tower and call for silence and says "OK, the first person to swim cross mi pool will get all mi money."  Nobody nuh move. Him look ova di crowd and say "OK, di first person to swim cross mi pool gets all mi money and mi house."  Nobody move. "OK, de first person to swim cross mi pool gets all mi money, mi house and all mi cars and planes."  Still, nobody nuh move, not even a eye blink dis time.  "OK den, all mi money, mi house, all mi cars, all mi planes, all the dope yuh can handle, all mi property, all mi stocks and bonds and investments and all di girls yuh can handle; everyting mi own."  "Splash!" Someone's in de pool. Crocodiles are all over him, but him roll ova like Tarzan, him all over di place, fighting and dodging.  Finally him get outta di pool on the other side. Di rich man on di tower jumps down and runs over to him. "Hey man, dat was incredible! I neva thought mi woulda ever see dat done.  Yuh want de money and everyting now or later?" "Ah don't want di money." "Yuh want di house now or later?" "Ah don't want di house." "Yuh want di cars and planes now or later?" "Ah don't want de cars or di planes." "Yuh want di bonds, stocks and stuff now or later?" "Ah don't want none ah dat." "Yuh want di girls now or later?" "Ah don't want di girls."  Di rich man look pon him and seh "Well wha de hell yuh want?!?!"  "Ah want di bombo cloth motherf----r who pushed me in de pool."
Four Bulls in a Pen. Three Bulls Heard via the Grapevine That the Rancher Was Going to  Bring Yet Another Bull onto the Ranch, and the Prospect Raised a  Discussion among Them:  First Bull:  "Boys, We All Know I've Been Here Five Years.  Once We  Settled Our Differences, We Agreed on Which 100 of the Cows Would Be  Mine.  Now, I Don't Know Where this Newcomer Is Going to Get His Cows,  but I Ain't Givin' Him Any of Mine!" 
Second Bull:  "That Pretty Much Says it for Me, Too.  I've Been Here  Three Years and Have Earned My Right to the 50 Cows we've Agreed Are  Mine.  I'll Fight 'Im 'Til I Run Him off or Kill'im, but I'm Keepin'  All My Cows!" 
Third Bull:  "I've Only Been Here a Year, and So Far You Guys Have  Only Let Me Have 10 Cows to ‘Take Care Of’.  I May Not Be as Big as  You Fellows (Yet) but I Am Young and Virile, So I Simply must Keep All  My Cows!" They Had Just Finished Their Big Talk When an  Eighteen-wheeler Pulls up in the Middle of the Pasture with Only One  Animal in It:  the Biggest Son-of-another-bull These Guys Had Ever  Seen!  At 5700 Pounds, Each Step He Took Toward the Ground Strained  the Steel Ramp to the Breaking Point. -First Bull:  "Ahem... You Know, It's Actually Been Some Time since I  Really Felt I Was Doing All My Cows Justice, Anyway.  I Think I Can  Spare a Few for Our New Friend." 
Second Bull:  "I'll Have Plenty of Cows to Take Care of If I Just  Stay on the Opposite End of the Pasture from Him.  I'm Certainly Not  Looking for an Argument." They Look over at Their Young Friend, the  3rd Bull, to Find Him Pawing  the Dirt, Shaking His Horns, and Snorting.  -First Bull:  "Son, Let Me Give You Some Advice Real Quick.  Let Him  Have Some of Your Cows and Live to Tell about It. -Third Bull:  "Hell,  He Can Have All My Cows.  I'm Just Making Sure He Knows I'm a Bull!"

The Princess & the Frog.  Once Upon a Time, an Intelligent, Independent , Self Assured Princess  Came upon a Frog Sitting in a Pond.  The Frog Said to Her "Before I  Was a Frog, I Was a Handsome Prince until an Evil Witch Cast a Spell  on Me.  One Kiss from You, Though, and I Will Turn Back into a Prince,  We Can Marry, Move Back into the Castle with My Mom, You Can Prepare  My Meals, Clean My Clothes, Bear My Children, and Be Forever Happy  Doing So."  Later That Evening as the Princess Dined on Delicious Frogs’ Legs, She  Laughed to Herself and Thought, "I Don’t Fucking Think So."

The Preacher.  A Traveling Preacher Finds Himself in a Tremendous Rainstorm.  Withing  a Few Hours the Hotel He Is Staying in Becomes Flooded. As the Water  Rises, the Preacher Climbs to the Roof and Starts Praying. "Lord, Save  Me So I Can Continue on My Mission of Preaching Your Gospel." Just  Then, a Coast Guard Rescue Party Floats by in a Rowboat. "Let's Go  Mister.  Into the Boat.""I'll Stay Here," Says the Preacher, "The Lord  Will Save Me." an Hour Later a Second Boat Reaches the Scene and the  Water Is Close to the Roof of the Hotel.  "Sir, You Better Get In. The Water Is Still Rising." "No Thanks.  The Lord Will Be My  Salvation." Toward Evening, the Hotel Is Almost Completely under Water  and the Preacher Is Clinging to the Satellite Dish on the Roof. A  Helicopter Is Spotted and on a Loudspeaker Is Heard  "Sir, Grab on to  the Line and We Will Pull You Up. This Is Your Last Chance. "I'm All  Right," Says the Preacher, "I Know the Lord Will Provide sanctuary." as  He Looks Heavenward. As the Boat Departs, the Satellite Dish Is Hit by  Lightning and the Preacher Is Killed. When He Arrived at the Pearly Gates He Was Furious. "What Happened,  " He Shouts.  "I Thought the Lord Would Provide!" Moments Later a Thunderous Voice Is Heard. "Yow Preacher I Sent You 2 Boats  and a Chopper".

Whar'a for Lunch?   An Irishman, a Mexican and an Alabama Redneck Were Doing  Construction Work on Scaffolding on the 20th Floor of a Building. They Were  Eating Lunch and the Irishman Said, "Corned Beef and  Cabbage! If I Get Corned Beef and Cabbage One More Time for Lunch I'm Going  to Jump off this Building." the Mexican Opened His Lunch Box and Exclaimed, "Burritos Again! If I Get Burritos One More Time I'm  Going to Jump Off, Too." the Alabama Redneck Opened His Lunch and Said, "Bologna Again. If I Get a Bologna Sandwich One More Time  I'm Jumping Too." next Day - the Irishman Opens His Lunch Box, Sees Corned Beef and Cabbage and Jumps to His Death. The Mexican  Open His Lunch, Sees a Burrito and Jumps Too. The  Alabama Redneck Opens His Lunch, Sees the Bologna and Jumps to His Death. At the Funeral - the Irishman's Wife Is Weeping.  She Says, "If I'd Known How Really Tired He Was of Corned Beef and Cabbage  I Never Would Have Given it to Him Again!" the  Mexican's Wife Also Weeps and Says "I Could Have Given Him Tacos or  Enchiladas! I Didn't Realize He Hated Burritos So Much."  Everyone Turned and Stared at the Alabama Redneck's Wife. "Hey, Don't Look  at Me," She Said, "He Makes His Own Lunch!"

1 for the Road. 2 Winos Were Dying for a Drink, but Had No Money. One Wino Came up  with a Good Idea - He Went into a Supermarket and Stole a Sausage. They Both Then Went into a Bar and Ordered Two Drinks. Halfway thru  the Drinks, He Produced the Sausage and Held it in His Lap. The Other  Wino Went down on His Knees and Went thru the Motions of a Blow Job.  The Disgusted Bartender Kicked Them out Immediately - Without Asking  for Payment for the Drinks.  This Went on for 15 Bars - the Same Thing Happened Each Time.  One  Wino Then Said to the Other - Hey Man, My Knees Are Aching from All  this Bending on the Floor !  The Other Wino Replied - Yeah Man, I’m Aching Too - I Lost the Sausage  2 Bars Back!!!

Turner Brown. A Small Guy Goes into an Elevator, Looks up and Notices a Huge Dude Standing next to Him. The Big Dude Looks down upon the Small Guy and Says, "7 Feet Tall, 350 Pounds, 20 Inch Penis, 3 Pound Left Testicle, 3 Pound Right Testicle, Turner Brown." the Small Guy Faints. The Big Dude Picks up the Small Guy and Brings Him To, Slapping His Face and Shaking Him and Asks the Small Guy, "What's Wrong with You?" the Small Guy Says, "Excuse Me, but What Did You Say?" the Big Dude Looks down and Says, "7 Feet Tall, 350 Pounds, 20 Inch Penis, 3 Pound Left Testicle, 3 Pound Right Testicle, Turner Brown." The Small Guy Says, "Thank God! I Thought You Said 'Turn Around'."

 Get Me Out of Here. A Priest and a Nun Were Riding a Camel Across the Desert. All of the Sudden the Camel Stopped and the Two Got off and the Camel Fell over Dead. The Nun Started to Cry and the Priest Asked Her ,"What’s Wrong and Why Was She Crying??She Replied, "Now, I’m Gone Die and I Have Never Seen a Man Naked, or Even Close!" " I Can Help with That,". The Priest Replied and Pulled Back His Robe and His Body Was Quite Attentive and the Sister Asked , " What Is That?" and Pointed to His Penis (Which Was Definitely Attentive). He Told Her ,"This Is My Staff of Life". The Sister Smiled Real Big and Said, "Well, Good Stick Your Staff of Life in this camel's ass and let's get out of here!"

Wanna Bet?  It Was Johnny's First Day in a New High School, So His Father Looked up the Teacher. He Told Her That Little Johnny Was a Good Kid but That He Was an Avid Gambler. He Warned Her That Little Johnny Might Win Lunch Money from the Other Kids If He Was Not Watched Closely. The Teacher Did Not Seem Disturbed, Assured the Father That She Had handled Many Such Problems and Was Very Capable of Taking Care of Little Johnny's Urge to Gamble. Shortly after Lunch, the Father Called the Teacher and Asked Her How things Were Going. "Oh, Everything Is Going Very Well." She Said."I Think I May Have Cured Little Johnny of His Gambling Habit." The Father Asked Her What Had Happened. The Young Man Absolutely Insisted on Betting Me Ten Dollars That I Had a Mole on My Rear." She Said. "I Finally Agreed to the Bet and Took Him to the Teacher's Lounge to Show Him That I Had No Mole." "Damn!" the Father Said. "He Bet Me Fifty Dollars this Morning That He Would See the Teacher's Bare Butt Before the Day Was Over."

Ginger is that You.  A woman goes to her boyfriends parents house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.

The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriends father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!"

The woman thought, "this is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "dammit Ginger!"

Once again the woman smiled and thought, "yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "dammit Ginger, get away from her before she shits on you!"


Genie in the Lamp.   A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.

 The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah, blah."

 "This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the
logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete ... and how much steel!! No, think of another wish."

The man said "OK" and tried to think of another really good wish. Finally, he said: "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women ....and know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment .. know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing' .. know how to make them truly happy...."

 The genie replied: "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"


Don't Tell De Boss. There were these three guys. They all worked together at a factory. Everyday they notice that their boss leaves work a little early. So one day they meet together and say that today when the boss leaves, they'll all leave early too. The boss left and so did they. The first guy goes home and goes to rest so he can get an early start. The second guy goes home and cooks dinner. The third guy goes home and walks to his bedroom. He opens the door slowly and sees his wife in bed with his boss so he shuts the door and leaves. The next day the first and second guys are talking and plan to go home early again. They ask the third guy if he wants to leave early again and he says, "No." They ask him why not and he said, "Because yesterday I almost got caught!"

Holy Holy. There were four nuns who were chosen to met the Pope. Before Mother Superior would let the nuns meet the Pope she wanted to make sure that they were rid off all their sins, well at least the sexual ones. Mother Superior then summoned the four nuns to the church and made them line up in front of the holy water bowl. With a quick gasp she asked her question to the first nun. "Sister Mary Louise, have you ever touched a penis?" Sister Mary Louise looked down and answered, "Yes, I have touched a penis with my pointer finger." Mother Superior sternly said, "Dip that finger into the holy water, say ten Hail Mary's and you can see the Pope." Still in shock, Mother Superior called on the second nun. "Sister Mary Bernadette, have you ever touched a penis?" Sister Mary Bernadette looked up at Mother Superior and said, "Yes, I confess. I have held a penis in my hand." Mother Superior was even more shocked. "Child, put your hand in the holy water, say 20 Hail Mary's and then you can see the Pope. Still suprised at the answers from the sisters, Mother Superior turned her attention to the remaining nuns. Just then the fourth nun burst out. "Look, Mother Superior, if you think that I'm gonna stick my mouth in that holy water after she sticks her ass in it, you must be crazy."

Dick on a Horse. On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah"

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tailight on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got here.
Did Santa bring that to you? Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."


TEACHER, TEACHER. A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.  She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?" "Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters." "Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three  days." The teacher turns back to the chalkboard.  Realizing she had forgotten to  title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student.  She  quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny Billy?" "Well miss, I just saw both of your garters." Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!"  This time the punishment is  more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks." Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again.  So she bends over to pick it up.  This time there is a burst of  laughter from another male student.  She quickly turns to see Little Johnny  leaving the classroom. "Where do you think you are going?" she asks. "Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over."

WHOSE DRESS IS IT ANYWAY?
Milady returns home unexpectedly in the early afternoon and summons the butler.

"James, remove my dress."
James removes her dress.
"James, remove my shoes."
James removes her shoes.
"James, remove my slip."
James removes her slip.
"James, remove my stockings."
James removes her stockings.
"James, remove my brassiere."
James removes her bra.
"James, remove my girdle."
James removes her girdle.
"James, remove my briefs."
James removes her briefs.

"Now, James," a don't want to see you in me clothers again!"


HEAD FROG! A guy sees a frog in a pet shop window as he's strolling down the street, and his eye is immediately drawn to a sign that says 
 
     $500
THIS FROG GIVES THE
WORLDS BEST HEAD
He goes inside the shop and questions the owner why the frog is priced so expensive.The shop owner assures the man that this frog does indeed give the worlds best head, and that's why he's asking $500 for the frog. Then the owner says "Look take the frog in to the broom closet, and try it out..." Moments later the man return from the broom closet with a big smile on his face, "I'll take." and give the owner $500.

Later that same evening the man is at home in the kitchen cooking, when his wife comes home.  He's preparing dinner and has the frog next to him on the counter watching him cook. The wife sees the frog and say, "what the hells going on here?" The man turns to his wife and say, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you're outa here!"

Condoms Anyone? A Jamaican man is having breakfast one morning. Coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam when a Trinidadian man, chewing gum, sits down next to him.
     The Jamaican ignores the Trini who, nevertheless, starts a conversation:
     Trinidadian: "You Jamaican folks eat the whole bread??"
     Jamaican: (in a bad mood): "Of course."
     Trinidadian: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In Trinidad we only eat what's inside. The crusts, we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the Jamaicans."
     The Trinidadian has a smirk on his face.
     The Jamaican listens in silence.
     The Trinidadian persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"
     Jamaican: "Of Course."
     Trinidadian: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In Trinidad we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to the Jamaicans."
     The Jamaican then asks: "Do you have sex in Trinidad?"
     Trinidadian: "Why of course we do", the Trinidadian says with a big smirk.
     Jamaican: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
     Trinidadian: "We throw them away, of course."
     Jamaican: "We don't. In Jamaica, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to Trinidad."

Toilet Paper. An indian girl walked into a general store and asked the clerk for some toilet paper. So the clerk says, "Well, we have two brands of toilet paper: Toilet Paper Royal and the generic kind which doesn't have a name."

So the indian girl asks, "What's the difference?", to which the clerk replies, "The generic brand is cheaper." So the indian girl buys the generic brand and walks home.

The next day she walks into the store with the roll of toilet paper and says, "I have found a name for this toilet paper." Curious the clerk says, "Well what is it?" And the girl replies, "John Wayne. The clerk says John Wayne? Why? "Because it's rough and it's tough and it don't take no crap from Indians."


Run Mr. Rooster. A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over the old rooster and says, "Ok old fart, time to retire." The old rooster replies, "Come on, you cannot handle ALL these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner? The young rooster says, "Beat it! You are washed up and I am taking over.

The old rooster says, "I will tell you what young stud, I will race you around the farmhouse. Whomever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop." The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair I will give you a head start." The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. 

They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his shotgun and BOOM! he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Damn it....third gay rooster I bought this month."

Warming up your supper.  A young couple, married just a couple of weeks, returns from their honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives. The next morning the husband wakes up, showers, dresses and makes his way to the kitchen where he sees his new wife crying.

So the husband inquires, "What's wrong, Honey?"

"Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast, but I can't cook or clean." The husband smiles his biggest smile and says, "There, there sweetie! I don't care that you can't cook and clean. Come on up to the bedroom and I'll show you what I'd like for breakfast."

So off they went to the bedroom. That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch to find his new wife crying again in the kitchen. "What's wrong now, Sweetie?" "Well, the same thing as this morning. I came in here to make you something for lunch and I just can't cook."

Again the husband smiles and says, "Why don't you come back up to the bedroom and I'll have my lunch there!" So off they went to the bedroom again. That evening the new husband comes home, walks in the house and sees his new bride naked sliding down the banister of the stairs. Up she runs, and WHOOSH down the banister. After the third trip the husband asks, "What are you doing, Honey?" "Warming up your supper!" she replies.


Don't Touch It.  Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy with not arms standing next to the urinal. As he's standing there he wonders to himself how the guy is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper and pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK." Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?" The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it."
Pass the Vaseline.  A guy answers an ad for a Harley Davidson.  Amazed to find the bike in mint condition, he asks the owner, "How you keep it in such good shape? The seller says, "it's pretty simple, make sure you rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. Since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore so you can have it." The guy takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. They decide to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. "Honey she says, I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk and the first person who talks during dinner has to do the dishes." They get to the house and in the middle of the living room and the family room is a stack of dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and no one says a word. The boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. He leans over and kissed his girlfriend and fondled her breasts and fucks her on the dinner table. No one says a word. He looks at her parents and said "Her Mom's kinda cute". He grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Everybody is silent. Suddenly, a few raindrops hits the window. The boyfriend realized he should put grease on the motorcycle chrome so he pulls out the Vaseline from his pocket at the same time her father gets up and said "All right, all right! Nobody's fucking me. I'll do the fucking dishes." 
Batman.One night, after a long evening of drinking. Jim was thrown out of the bar as usual. On his way home he spotted a nun walking down the road. After looking at her twice he ran over and tackled her, then proceeded to beat the living snot out of her. Some people passing by spotted this and called the police. As the police were pulling him away in handcuffs he looked back and said, 'Shit, I thought you'd be tougher than that, Batman.'
Story Of Jack Schitt.  Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parent's objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. However, after being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt. Two other of the 6 children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in adual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt, and Hoarse Schitt. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. Herecently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. 

Family History Recorded By Crock O. Schitt. 


 
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN: HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,		 hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her....
Show up naked with a Beer 

What's You Name.  A few people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, "My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG."

Another guy says, "What's that?" The first guy says, "That means I am a Single, New Age Guy."

Another one says, "My name is Gary, and I am a DINK.

A girl asks, "What's that?"

He says, "That means I am a Double Income, No Kids."

A lady says, "That's nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a WIFE."

Larry says, "A wife? What's a wife?"

She says, "That means, 'Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

Female Hormones.  "Yesterday scientists in the USA revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive..."
Jump On.  Three women were talking about their love lives. The first said, "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated." The second said, "Mine is like a Porsche; fast and powerful." The third said, "Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it's still going."
For Your Own Good.  Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Sam says to Becky, "Becky, I was wondering - have you ever cheated on me?" Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..." "Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."

"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..."  "Three? Well, when were they?" he asked. "Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?" "Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?" "I can't believe it! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?"

"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short..?"

Wife and Found.  The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"  "Why?" she asks."Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."
Hands and Knees.  There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees." The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son. 
 
 

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late." 

Just Hold Me.  Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says, " I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me." The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care) . She goes for the tennis braceoet. The husband says " but you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it. ' The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. " The husband says, " no -- no -- no, honey we ' re not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank.

"No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. " Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says " You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!!!!!!!!

What's that?" "What's what?  One day, little Tommy, bored out of his mind, went to his father for suggestions on what to do to pass the time. "I'll tell you what, take this dollar and run into town and get me a dollars worth of what's what." Tommy grabbed the dollar, hopped on his bike and rode into town. Once there, he had to decide what store would have the what's what. He stopped in front of the pharmacy and went in. He went to the pharmacist's desk, held up the dollar and said, "I'd like a dollar's worth of what's what, please." The pharmacist knew immediately that the boy was on a wild goose chase and said, "If you go across the street, to the house with the red light on the front porch, they can get you some what's what." Tommy ran across the street and knocked on the front door. A tall, stunning blonde, completely naked, opened the door. Her pussy was right in little Tommy's face. Pointing to it he said, "what's that?" "What's what?" the whore replied. "Good, I'll take a dollar's worth."
Pop The Lid.  An eighty year old couple decide to try for a child. They visit the doctor who asks the old geezer to produce a sperm sample in a bottle. After two weeks, the couple return and the bottle is empty. "What's the problem?" asks the doctor. "Well," says the old man, "First I tried it with my right hand, then my left. Then my wife tried it with her right hand, then her left. Then she tried it with her teeth in and with her teeth out, and we still can't get the lid off the bloody bottle."
69.  A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and immediately she suggests that they do "69". "What the hell is that?" She explains,"I put my head between your legs and you put your head between mine." Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the moment he agrees to try it. The second they get in to the position, the girl farts. "What was that for?" he asks. "I'm sorry, lets try it again." They get into position again, and again she lets one loose. The guy gets up and puts his coat on. "Wait, where are you going?" she asks. The guy says, " If you think I'm fucking sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!!!!! 
One More Beer.  Guy leaves the bar, hoping he can get home early enough not to piss his wife off for drinking after work. He gets home and finds his boss in bed with his wife.

He goes back to the bar, the guy tells the bartender the story, "Wow, that's awful, what did you do?"
 "Well, I carefully snuck back out the door, and ran right back here. I say, shit, they're just getting started, so I might as well come back and for a couple more beers."

Nice Cruise.  A man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were faithful to him. So he decided to send them on the same cruise, then later question each one on the other's behavior. When his wife returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in general, then casually asked her about the specific behavior of the passenger he knew to be his mistress. "She slept with nearly every man on the ship," his wife reported. The disheartened man then rendezvoused with his cheating mistress to ask her the same questions about his wife. "She was a real lady," his mistress said. "How so?" the encouraged man asked. "She came on board with her husband and never left his side."
Ticket to Hell.  A few housewives were sitting around the table talking, and the subject turned to their husbands. One lady said "My husband just won't go to church with me, I think he's going to go to hell." This led to talk around the table and it was generally agreed that, for one reason or another, all the husbands were going to end up in hell.

So, then the housewives started speculating about themselves. One woman said "I try to be good - I'm sure I'll make it to Heaven." Another one said "No, I did this bad thing, I won't make it." So, then they noticed that one of the ladies wasn't saying anything. And they looked at her and said "You're such a nice lady, surely you're going to Heaven...?" She says "No, first thing in the morning, I'm going to buy me a ticket straight to hell!" They were shocked and asked why. "Well, you don't expect me to live in a world without men, do you??!?" 

Kiss Me.  A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?" "I would love to," replied the husband, "but I don't know her well enough."
Turn Out The Light!  Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break, about being out late the night before. The first man said," My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."

The second deaf man said, " Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late."

The first deaf man asked, " So what did you do?" "I turned out the light," the second man replied.


For the Ladies: 

Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes. Then you to stomp them and hopefully they'll turn out to be something we would like to have dinner with.

Men-tal Anxiety. . . Men-opause. . . Men-tal Breakdown.  Ever noticed that all problems start with MEN?

Q: What's the best way to kill a man?
A: Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell  him to pick only one.

Q: What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A: They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch! 

Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe. 

Q: What is the difference between men and women:....
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need...A man wants  every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds. 

For the Guys:
Q.: Why did God create woman?
A:  To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
Q.: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of truelove?
A:  The swallow
Q.: How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
A:  Phone her.
Q.: Why do women fake orgasms?
A:  Because they think men care.
Q.: What is the definition of "making love"?
A: Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
Q.: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A:  Slow down and use a lubricant.
Q.: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A:  Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak
Q.: How many sexists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  None, let the bitch cook in the dark.
Q.: What's the difference between pre-menstrual tension and B.S.E?
A:  One's mad cow disease, the other's an agricultural problem.
Q.: Why does the bride always wear white?
A:  Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator..
Q.: What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
A:  Nothing, she's been told twice already.
Q.: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A:  None. It should be opened by the time she brings it
Q.: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
A:  Made her chain too long
Q.: How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A:  Marry it!
Q.: What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A:  A battery has a positive side.
Q.: What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet
2) Telephone
3) Tellawoman
Q.: Why do hunters make the best lovers?
A:  Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and they eat what they shoot.
Q.: How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
A:  They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
Q.: How is a woman like a condom?
A:  Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
Q.: What should you give a woman who has everything?
A:  A man to show her how to work it.
Q.: How are twisters (tornadoes) and marriage alike?
A:  They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house.
Q.: Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
A:  She knows she's given her last blow job.
Q.: What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A:  A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and A bitch sleeps with everyone at the party except you.
Q.: What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A:  After 10 years the job still sucks.
Q.: What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
A:  Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
Q.: Why is the space between a women's breasts and her hips called a waist?
A:  Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
Q.: Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A:  When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.
Q.: How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
A:  Put a nipple on it.
Short and Sweet
Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?
A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out. 

Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around. 

Q: What's the ultimate rejection?
A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep. 

Q: Why did Barbi get thrown out of the toy box?
A: Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!" 

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any. 

Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A: "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago." 

Q: What did the potato chip say to the battery?
A: If you're Eveready, I'm Frito Lay. 

Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
A: He heard the snow blower coming. 

Q: What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment.

Q: What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute.

Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine. 

Q: What do a bungee jumper and a gay man have in common?
A: If the rubber breaks, they're both in deep shit! 

Q: Why did The Lord give women nipples?
A: To make suckers out of men. 

Q: What are the two greatest lies?
A: "The check is in the mail," and "I promise I won't cum in your mouth." 

Q: How do you tell if you are in a gay church?
A: Only half the congregation is kneeling. 

Q: What do you get when you cross a penis and a potatoe?
A: A DickTater! 

Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love?
A: "Honey, I'm home." 

Q: What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
A: They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride. 

Q: What's the definition of trust?
A: Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob. 

Q: Why is it called a Wonder Bra?
A: When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went. 

Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay ?
A: They don't have time. 

Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg ?
A: They don't stop for directions. 

Q:whats the difference between a rooster and a hooker?
A:a rooster says cocka-doodle-doo a hooker says any cock will do. 

Q: Why did the former porn actor get fired from his job as a gas station attendant?
A: Right before the tanks were full, he would pull out the nozzle and spray gas all over the car. 

Q: What is the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A: One says ribbit ribbit, the other one says rub-it, rub-it! 

Q: What do a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?
A: They can both smell it but they can't eat it. 

Q: What is the difference between a drug pusher and a prostitute?
A: A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again. 

Q: Why did the condom cross the road?
A: Because it was pissed off. 

Q: What does KFC and a woman have in common?
A: Once you're done with the breasts and the thighs, there's still a greasy box to put your bone in. 

Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A: "It might take me a while to get hard I just got layed last night." 

Q: What happens if you put the Energizer Bunny's batteries in backwards?
A: He keeps coming and coming and coming... 

Q: How did Dairy Queen get pregnant?
A: Burger King didn't cover his Whopper. 

Q: Why are electric trains like a mother's breasts?
A: They were both designed for the kids, but it's the fathers who are always playing with them.

Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A: "I don't know why you're shaking...she's gonna EAT me!" 

Q: Why did The Lord create alcohol?
A: So ugly people have a chance to have sex. 

Q: What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
A: Beer nuts are a $1.25 but deer nuts are always under a buck. 

Q: What did Adam say to Eve?
A: Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets! 

Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
A: Hold unto your nuts-This is no ordinary Blow Job! 

Q: Why do women have two holes so close together?
A: Incase men miss! 

Q: Why do women have two holes so close together?
A: So you can carry them home like a six-pack! 

Q: How do you get 4 queers on a bar stool?
A: Turn it upside down! 

Q: Where is an elephant's sex organ?
A: Under it's feet-if it steps on you, you're fucked! 

Q: What's organic dental floss?
A: Pubic hair!

Q: What's long, hard, and has semen in it?
A: A submarine! 

Q: What's so bad about being a dick?
A: Your closest mates are 2 nuts and an ass hole, your master covers you in a plastic bag, And every time you get excited you spew. 

Q: What's the difference between a penis and a bonus?
A: Your wife will always blow your bonus!

Q: Why did the pervert cross the road?
A: Because his dick was stuck up the chicken's ass. 

Q: Why do men masturbate?
A: It's sex with someone they love. 

Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A: So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties. 

Q: How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down?
A: Nobody knows, it hasn't happened yet. 

Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a jar of peanut butter?
A: A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth! 

Q: What's the similarity between brussel sprouts and pubic hair?
A: You push them aside and keep on eating! 

Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
A: Say, "Nice dick."

Q: How do you know you're leading a sad life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends." 

Q: Are birth control pills deductible?
A: Only if they don't work.

Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
A: Because they have cotton balls. 

Q: What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?
A: A cock that stays up all night.


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