The navy psychiatrist was interviewing a potential sailor. To check on the young man's response to trouble, the psychiatrist asked, "What would you do if you looked out of that window right now and saw a battleship coming down the street?"

The baby sailor said, "I'd grab a torpedo and sink it."

"Where would you get the torpedo?"

"The same place you got your battleship!"

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected a quart of milk, a carton of eggs, juice, and a package of bacon.  As she was unloading her items on the conveyer belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her, watched as she placed her items in front of the cashier. 

The drunk said, "You must be single." 

The woman, a bit startled, looked at the four items on the belt, and seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections said, "Well, you know, that's right.  But how on earth did you know that?" 

The drunk said, "Cause you're uglier than shit."

A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know sup'm, we have a wonderful system down at the fire station:
BELL 1 rings and we all put on we jackets,
BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,
BELL 3 rings and we' jump up pon the fire truck ready to go.

"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you strip naked.
When I say BELL 2, I want you to jump ina bed.
And when I say BELL 3, we going to mek love all night."
The next night he came home from work and yelled
"BELL 1," The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
When he yelled "BELL 2," the wife jumped into bed.
When he yelled "BELL 3," they began making love.
After a few minutes the "wife" yelled "BELL 4"

"What the rass is BELL 4?" asked the husband?
"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE MAN, YOU' NO DEH NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE!"

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen.

She dresses quickly and goes to find him.  The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"

The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and  sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"You're wasting your time," said the boy. "Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. 

The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel So good!"The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up and the rabbit again says, "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! ... Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the shit out of the rabbit. As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? ... He was merely trying to help us all!" The lion answers, "That little shit! He makes me run around the forest like an idiot each time he is on ecstasy!"